Ten ways to know that you're addicted to your computer
10) When you begin to laugh you yell, LOL.
9) You tell your computer you love it, more than you tell your spouse.
8) Your house catches on fire and you run home to save your computer before your family.
7) Your computer is your ONLY friend.
6) You think cyber sex is better than real sex.
5) You type only in short hand (YO ROFLMAO I'LL BRB B4 U RTFM LOL).
4) You type 40 words a minute with two fingers.
3) Your twins are named RAM & ROM.
2) After breaking from your computer, you realize you have gained 40lbs, have grown hair in unusual places, your spouse and kids have left you, and Windows 3.1 is outdated.
1) YOU READ STUFF LIKE THIS!
A Beer Drinkers Pledge of Allegiance
Our beer, Which art in barrels, Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk, I will be drunk, at home as it is in public.
Forgive us this day our daily spillage As we forgive those who spillest against us.
And lead us not into the practice of sissy wine tasting, and deliver us from DUI's for mine is the barley, the hops and the malt, forever and ever;
One day, a blonde and a brunette were driving to a party and they were speeding because they were late.
"Watch out for cops," the brunette said.
They drove on for about five minutes when suddenly the blonde said nervously, "I think that's a cop behind us."
"Is it after us?" the brunette questioned.
"Er, um..." answered the blonde.
"Well, is it?" asked the brunette with a growing temper.
"I don't know..."
"Well are it's lights on?" insisted the brunette.
Replied the blonde, "Yes... no... yes... no... yes... no... yes... no..."
Signs that you're too drunk
24. You lose arguments with objects.
23. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
22. Your Job is interfering with your drinking.
21. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
20. Your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
19. You sincerely believe alcohol to be the 5th food group.
18. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence? - I think not!
17. Two hands and just one mouth... - now that's a drinking problem!
16. You can focus better with one eye closed.
15. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
14. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
13. You fall off the floor...
12. Hey, five beers has just as many calories as a burger, forget dinner!
11. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
10. At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
9.Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
8.The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
7.You think Three Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, and Alcohol.
6.Roseanne looks good.
5.Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
4.That pink elephant followed you home again.
3.You're as jober as a sudge.
2.You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the night.
and last but not least...
1.Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops!
A Drunk Confessional
A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.
A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress and figuring that the fellow was in need of some assistance, proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. But his attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?"
"I dunno..." came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"